Cut Off Line
by guillotineghost
Summary: In a world that has yet to see an Impact from the Angels, a boy given to the Ikari residence as a guest holds a familiar significance to Shinji, who comes to realize that this has all happened before. Oneshot, hints of cutting and suicide. ( My first attempt at a Kawoshin fic; follow me at guillotineghosties on Tumblr because I always post my fics there first. )


When the manor grew too dull or his father had made a particularly snide remark about how useless he was, Shinji would wander into the woods beyond the gates of the Ikari manor. He felt safe there on the riverbank, overlooking fierce body of water and the garden of wildflowers across from it. Arms wrapped around his knees, he would sit outside until the chilly night set in. Though he was never an exceptionally happy individual, despite his fortunate circumstances of being born "with a silver spoon in his mouth" in this lifetime, the past few weeks had been all the more stressful.

Life wasn't worth living. It was too painful. There was nothing to be particularly happy about or anything to smile for. Life was just the void of death and vice versa.

Not that Shinji knew what death was like, considering that he couldn't exactly _remember_ being dead, but it had to be better than the dull conundrums of day to day torment that he was subjected to. He didn't know why his classmates were mean to him. He had never been rude to them. Shinji was just Shinji, and he wasn't the most sociable of his class. It wasn't a challenge to get him upset, and so they rode on that with adolescent maliciousness.

"_Did daddy forget to sprinkle gold in your cereal?"_

"_Hey, let's see if he cries diamonds!"_

Obviously his father didn't love him enough to send him to a private school, yet alone throw gold at him. It was _only_ him that they targeted, too. Asuka's parents were engineers for NERV, his father's bioweapon corporation, and his sister Rei had never had a single conflict with anyone in her school. Everything seemed to come so easy for them, from the trigonometry homework to either accepting or avoiding invitations from their peers—or even getting them, at all. Any attempts to grow closer to Rei were brushed off. She was too busy spending time with their father, and seldom left his side after school hours.

It wasn't until SEELE, NERV's partner, sent a "gift" to the Ikari household that Shinji finally could experience compassion from another person.

X~x~x~x~x

Kaworu was the prince of an unnamed country that was sent as a form of "insurance". Gendo obviously didn't go over the details of this arrangement with his son, but Kaworu was to live there as a member of the family until further notice. The fair skinned boy with beautiful white hair was somehow alluring to Shinji, who felt his cheeks redden at their first meeting over the dinner table. The room wasn't used for anything aside from business meetings that were hosted there, though that night only four of the dozens of seats were occupied.  
The dining room was only used for show, and he normally hated being here as it represented just how fake of a father Gendo really was. But somehow, staring at him like this loosened that feeling of uneasiness.

"You're free to roam the premises as you please." The stern voice echoed some in the large room. "But please do excuse my son. He's incompetent, so I doubt that you'll find his company fitting."

Kaworu smirked, placing his elbow on the table and resting the side of his face against the palm of his hand, staring directly at the timid boy in question.

As Gendo continued cutting into the steak before him, the clattering of knife to plate bouncing from wall to wall, Rei managed to shoot their guest a confused look. This stranger gave her a bad feeling.

"Oh, and Rei. I need you in my office now." The head of the household stood, motioning his young daughter to follow him behind the oak doors at the end of the hallway.

It wasn't unusual for those two to go off on their own. He was always spending time with her, telling her what a good girl she was. How proud she made him. Shinji sighed, setting down his fork. "I think I'm going to turn in for the night, as well."

"May I accompany you?" Kaworu's voice was soft.

"I'm sure that my father gave you your own room. Like he said, my company isn't 'fitting'…"

"I beg to differ. I would like to spend time with you, if you'll allow it."

Was this some kind of trick? Shinji wanted to be skeptical of the other boy's intentions, but any words of refute left his mouth the moment he opened it. "W-Well…alright."

X~x~x~x~X

His room was rather desolate for living in the prestigious Ikari household. Shinji appeared to live minimally, with his floor spotless and only a couple of bookshelves lining the walls and nightstand holding a single picture frame. It was an image of happier times, when his mother was still alive. Yui held a much younger Shinji in her arms in the photo, smiling brightly towards the camera. Kaworu took note of the only sentimental object in the room as he slid onto the king sized bed next to his host.

"There's no need to be so shy. I don't bite." He grinned; Shinji's face was red.

"We need to change into pajamas first." He began to strip, trying to avoid looking at the other in the eyes. He made his way over to the dresser and retrieved two sets of light blue night clothing. He tossed one to Kaworu. "These should be comfy."

"Thank you."

It felt foreign, to have another person so close to him like this— and Shinji couldn't shake the feeling that he was being stared at once the two had changed and laid down. "Kaworu?"

"Yes?"

His suspicion was no less than valid, as Kaworu was laying on his side with a warm smile.

Shinji gulped, suddenly nervous for no reason at all. "My father is right, you know. I'm really not worth befriending. There are other kids at school that you'd get along with much better."

"That isn't true. You're the only person whose companionship I need or want." His nonchalant demeanor felt uncanny. "I was born just to meet you, Shinji."

"It's weird to say stuff like that—we're both guys and all."

"Feelings are androgynous. Especially love. And I love you."

The thought of anyone _actually_ feeling _that way_ about him made Shinji blush, and he retracted the sheets over the bottom half of his face. "Y-Yeah, I guess so." This had to be some kind of cruel prank, orchestrated by none other than his father. Surely Gendo would love to see his son have his heart crushed; he enjoyed hurting him in any other way possible. But even if it was just a hoax, it _would_ be nice. Even if he just went along with it and pretended.

_Yeah, even if this isn't real, I'll enjoy it while it lasts._

But Kaworu's feelings for him were far more legitimate than he'd anticipated, from that night when the silver haired boy slept with his arms wrapped snugly around him, to the next day when he guided Shinji's hands along the unfamiliar board of the piano. He didn't know why the other had such a high interest in him, but it felt…nice. It felt human. It seemed that, with Kaworu, life began to improve. Shinji found his school life drastically changing when Kaworu joined his class, and he began to actually enjoy the day life.

Awaking every morning next to Kaworu, making their boxed lunches for the day while, leaving the estate hand in hand, and exchanging knowing smiles during lectures had become gems in a treasure chest of experiences in the world that Shinji had never known of prior.

He didn't care if his father looked at him as if he carried a plague or if Asuka constantly belittled his "manhood". Kaworu made him happy. Falling asleep next to him at the end of the day, feeling him breathe, and hearing those velvety words float from his lips—"I love you"—were all enough to make life worth living.

But why, every night since Kaworu's arrival, was Shinji subject to torment the moment he drifted into dreamland? They were awful visions of creatures that exploded into blood when they were killed, these horrifyingly huge monsters that were called Angels. They were on Earth to destroy it. Cities would lie in ruin, a graveyard of humanity with fractured, fallen skyscrapers scattered about with the remains of electrical circuits sparking. There was something about humanity fighting about in these night terrors, as well, something about an "Eva"? But the details of those fantastical machines was easy to forget at what always came next—Kaworu would be beheaded. Either by one of those robots or through a collar around his neck that would spontaneously sever his neck. Shinji would scream, and he would hold the other's limp, headless body in his frail arms as he stood there powerless to stop these events.

He'd wake up in a cold sweat, holding back a scream when he realized that it had all just been a nightmare and that Kaworu was still resting beside him.

They were just subconscious fears, right? Surely they were, so Shinji simply shook them off and would plunge back into sleep.

He was perfectly fine with pushing them to the back of his mind, until the day Gendo called him into his office. It was an unusual occurrence in and of itself, as his father preferred to not be in the same room with him during most days, so he wouldnever have summoned his son of his own accord. An anchor sank into the young boy's stomach, with how eerily familiar the situation felt.

"There's something I need you to do, Shinji."

"What is it, Father?"

"Pilot a machine called an Eva. Years and years of research have gone into this wonder of humanity. Years of both my and Yui's life. Humanity requires this of you."

"No, Father. I can't!"

"You haven't even seen the device in question!" Gendo stood, slamming both fists on the table. "Rei has no problem with it. Why do _you_ have to cause this kind of disruption?! Tomorrow morning, first thing, you _will_ pilot the Eva, Shinji!"

X~x~x~x~x

The brunette sat on the river bank, deadened blue eyes tracing the currents. The sun was setting, and in less than twelve hours, he would come face to face with the monsters that had been haunting him. It was too much on him, to accept the fact that just as life was beginning to look up, he'd be faced with the inevitable terror that he'd hoped was just the result of one too many movie nights with—

"Kaworu."

Where was he now, anyway? Normally he was in the piano room at this time, but there was a distinctive lack of musical notes as he'd made his way outside. Was his father already preparing Kaworu to pilot that thing with him? Given his much more obedient personality, he would've gone along with, no questions asked.

The events would fold out similarly to Shinji's nightmares. Kaworu would die again.

_No, that can't happen! But it's happened before. It's happened before. Then it could happen again, and if it does, what then? Does this whole thing start over when Kaworu dies? Damn it, I'm going crazy! If Kaworu dies, I don't want to live. I don't want to see him die again._

His body acted on its own, pulling up his left sleeve, where reminders of life before his silver haired angel were etched into his skin. Life would go back to that without him, only it would be worse, because Shinji would actually know what it was to love and be loved in return. He would actually know what he had been lacking.

"No. I won't live without him." There was only one possible solution left in his mind.

After absentmindedly tossing a few rocks into the river and taking a deep breathe, he started this insane operation that involved a pillowcase, a rope, and the heaviest stones that he could find. By the time he arrived back to his hideout, night had already fell. He'd make it look like an accident, or at least a homicide, as he knew just how badly it would break Kaworu's heart to know that this was intentional.  
Kaworu had sacrificed enough, Shinji thought, and it was well overdue for him to take the role of martyr for a change.

As he gave a final tug at the rope, tied neatly around his waist in an unnamed but intricate knot, he gave the case of rocks one more strained lift before he tossed it to the center of the river with all the strength he could muster. His small body was jerked into the water, plunging him into a world of freezing wet. He instinctively struggled as he sunk towards the bottom, the moonlight above him growing dimmer and dimmer. He opened his mouth and cringed when his lungs were filled with water. His arms yanked at the rope to no avail before the thought hit him—_no, Kaworu died with a smile. Every time. I'm being disgraceful. I made this decision on my own. To make it easier on him this time, so he doesn't have to do. _

It hurt like nothing else he'd experienced before, but he had to try to accept the unavoidable with some serenity. He closed his eyes, letting his body inhale naturally, fighting the urge to make a pained expression. He counted five breathes—just a little more. He could do this. He could save Kaworu. At least this one time, anyway. He couldn't count beyond that, because the world grew completely black.

When he regained consciousness, he wondered if he'd really died. He couldn't open his eyes, not yet, but he could feel his body, and the inside of torso was sore. He wondered if he was going to awake in a world where they hadn't made contact yet. If he did, he would remember everything now, and he'd tell Kaworu, and they'd run away together before his father ever had the chance to…

Shinji sat upright and coughed violently, holding his stomach. Puddles of reddened water splattered onto the spinning ground below, and the sound of running water sent a chill up his spine. Had he failed?

"Are you alright? Shinji!"

That was Kaworu's voice! A blurry figure above him held his fragile body closely, rubbing his back. "It's okay. You made it. Thank goodness."

"Ka-Kaworu, no, please." Shinji gasped for breathe. "Father, he has that machine ready. I can't pilot it. I can't do this." His voice cracked, and he gave the other a sad look. "I'm not strong enough."

"Shinji," Kaworu sighed with a smile, patting the top of his head. "Of course you are."

"You—you don't understand! I've had dreams about this, visions, and in them…" The tears were already sliding from his puffy eyes. "You die, every time. Your head gets chopped off, or worse, I—" He couldn't go on, and he knew that he had to sound crazy by now. That Kaworu would probably think he'd lost his mind. After all, he'd just attempted to drown himself to try to prevent something that had never happened in this word and very well might not ever occur. "Damn it, I know, it sounds crazy!"

But the pale boy gave him a knowing frown before glancing away. "I would never think that you were crazy, Shinji." He placed a curled finger to his chin in thought and looked to the sky. "I see…"

"Kaworu! Do you know something?" He put both hands to his shoulders.

The other hesitated for a moment, as if unsure that he should mutter another word. "Well…yes, I do." He caressed Shinji's cheek. "It would seem that your soul remembers what your body does not. The memories of every painful lifetime that you've had to live and every time that the cruelty of fate has separated us are replaying in your mind when you're subconscious."

"Wait, so, all of those awful things…they really happened?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And you knew?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?! We could've run away, before Father—"

"No, Shinji, we mustn't run away. Simply fleeing won't halt the angels' attack on Earth nor stop Gendo's plans. I'm trying to find a resolution for us with each attempt."

Biting his lip, Shinji, wiped at his eyes before repeating his question. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to frighten you. And this isn't your burden."

"It is, too, my burden! I may be fragile, like you've said, but I want to help. If you're trying to build a future for both of us, then it's only natural that I play a part in it!"

Kaworu wasn't sure that he could handle it, but such determination in a dire situation was a part of what he adored about him so much.

"No more of this, Kaworu." He was already about to break now, shoulders shaking, holding back his sobbing. "Please, no more."

"Shinji…" He ran his pale fingers through the dark, soft locks of hair that were still sticking together with water, then moved his head forward to brush their lips together as he had so many times before. Tasting him like this, the heat of his breath warming his very soul, was irreplaceable and Kaworu would have gladly died a thousand more times just to experience it again.

Right now he wanted nothing more than to have Shinji under him once more, his skin bare and his body writhing in that seductive manner that no other Lilin could manage. He wanted so badly to send his precious Shinji into the world of physical pleasure that they'd already immersed themselves in only nights prior, to feel their bodies connected in the most holy but sinful of ways. But that would have to wait.

Although he had no qualms about repeating this cycle of his own imminent death, with Shinji now able to at least partially remember their past attempts at happiness, this could not go on. He couldn't let him be tormented like this.

"I promise, there will be no more of this." Kaworu vowed, taking both of his hands and pulling him to his feet. "I'll make this the last time. _We'll_ make this the last time that the maze has to be run through. For your sake and your happiness, I'll see to it that my own preservation is met, at the very least."

Shinji's eyes lit up and he quickly nodded. Then there it was—the smile that made Kaworu's own life worth living.

He wrapped both arms around Kaworu's body, burying his face into the nape of his neck. Whatever the end result might be, they'd get through it together. Both of them alive this time.

"I love you, Kaworu."

"And I love you, Shinji."


End file.
